when my dad is a lecturer

i never know how to deliver what i wish to say directly to a person face to face. and most of the time, i decided to swallow them. million of things runs through my mind and thousands of words are prison-ed  in side me. i wish i could have the courage and casualty to say thing directly and straightforward to express what i have in mind.

i never really wish to be bubbly and good at talking. however, these people are always lovable in the sight of human. well, being loved by all is not my aim, but we are human, some small box in our heart seems just empty...empty and dull, when there isn't single human, a friend to rely on. well, however, i got to say how lucky i am to be blessed with such a wonderful family whom loves me and accept me for who i am.i'm loved.

 ....


its 4.21 am of 13.3.12 and i just woke up from a depressing evening and night which i make my self felt over a friend whom doesn't even realize what she said had made me felt this bad. Umairah, this is ur own personality problem!  people says that its hard to control things that will happen to you but you can always change the way u respond to it.well. that is exactly where my problem is.'how to respond'.

days before yesterday, i've been complaining that the lift is not working and our studio is on the highest level and the need to go up and down many times a days. its tiring! and i ask my dad (for which is the lecturer in my schoool). he check up for me and being told by the department that the supplier does not have the tool for something with them that will take more than months and that is like WHAT!?

so, yesterday, when i was in the other lift with my friends, i told them about what i was being told, from my dad (as a spontaneous talking). ....and maybe what i deliver is not convincing?......well honestly i felt funny too but what to say... maybe its a cheap supplier(its not a heavy duty lift anyway)..... but than...one of my friend's respond has made me felt so down~!

"ayah kaw saja bg taw kaw utk bg taw kite org kan.?"

YA ALLAH!she has just touched my inferiority spot!not about my father again! for god sake NO! i take these people as my dearly true friends and when i'm with my friends,i dont fake my self!! and than, i realise..that maybe, i have never been considered a friend ...and when i say that..she sees me like a lecturer's daughter delivering the department message?. and maybe,(might be just the way i feel about it)...how do i say this.....  ..  she dont trust me?..well she has her own right not to trust me.but its heart breaking for me that i started to believe that they are the friends i want to grow old with...and they dont trust me?its just something that i thought of telling(since i found out).

and again, MAYBE she was just joking
when i 1st get into the foundation, i told my self not to stay in my dads shadow, i will work and be rewarded for who i am.but when ever i consulted, the lecturer will ask what my dad thinks about it simply because he is a senior lecturer..(when at home actually, we are not allowed to talk about work,so how would i know what he think?)..my dad is not the subject lecturer,you are!
and when i get into the 1st year,one of my close friend get to know about my dad(is the lecturer) and ever since, when he text me, he will only talk about my dad!!whos friend are YOU?!

and in the heritage team group, i have been elected as the sponsorship leader,which is again not on their trust on my capability, but ,all they have in mind is to make use of my dad to get connection!!ALL ABOUT MY DAD AGAIN!
dont they kknow we dont share the same life,same heart and same brain?! at home, he IS my dad, but in school, iam a student and he is a lecturer(and i never am his student) so how are we related in school?!
 and they thought that he is super rich!trust me,he is not. we live a normal life(we dont starve,i get to eat good things and travel sometimes) but he is never rich. he is a public servant and all he do in his life is to stand up for the public right, plan city future planning (in public welfare) and most work wont make u rich!so stop the perception  that my dad is rich and i am spoil. if i am spoiled, its because of my dads love,but not money.so since then, i always keep my self apart from the lecturers and schoolmates(whom loves to mention about my dad)

and at some point. i was greedy hoping that i might have true friend whom are sincere to me and definitely accept me not for my dad.BUT FOR WHO I AM.and until now, i still am greedy. i still wish that one day, they (my friends) can accept me purely as who i personally am.:)
hehe! felt somuch better to say out things..

sebb pa taw kan mairah klaw sedih ka sensitip on certain things ssh gila nk ckp kat org.:(
u know how bad i am in expressing my words and feeling.haihhhhhhhhh..oh!td mairah baca
kawan mairah kata kat fb self-pity is our worst enemy. and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.-maybe betui!! ok. bila pikir balik mairah gila sensitip kn!;)